I have gained and lost a lot of friends while growing and maturing.
When people used to say, “It’s lonely at the top,” I never understood that saying until I was lonely at the top. The kind of lonely where you have grown past certain conversations, certain environments, certain habits, and certain versions of your old self that somehow fit in back in the day.
At 48, I am still a ride-or-die with three of my besties from the 90s. We are still close. Super close.
But I would be lying if I said my growth does not look different now. Sometimes the conversations feel out of place.
Not because I do not love them or I think I am better. Not because I forgot where I came from either.
It’s just that growth changes the way you hear things.
It changes what you have energy for and what you can sit in for too long.
That’s the kind of lonely it feels at times.
So what is left to do?
I guess I will continue to ride the wave of the people who come into my life and show me something. I will take what I learn, and you spit out the rest.
Some people are meant to stay.
Some people are meant to show you who you used to be.
Some are even meant to teach you what you no longer want to keep carrying.
I used to love having an entourage around me. I loved having people to call, people to sit with, people to laugh and just be around because it felt good to be surrounded.
Until I realized I could not breathe.
Too much noise and too many opinions.
A whole lotta energies pulling on me at once.
Too many people close enough to know me, but not close enough to really understand me.
Now, I am happy that I can count on one hand the people in my life who truly add to me.
The people who do not drain me.
The people who can sit with my growth without making me feel guilty for changing. The ones who know the old me, but still allow me to be the new me fully of what it looks like without judgment.
"I do not need a crowd anymore.
I do not need a certain number of friends.
I just need the ones I can be certain of."
— commonly attributed to Alice Walker
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